


the only thing left here is your shadow

by pepesaiko



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Yakuza, Cheating, Depression, Domestic Violence, Drug Abuse, Explicit Language, Hearing Voices, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Rape/Non-con Elements, based off come back home by 2ne1
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 15:49:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4441826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepesaiko/pseuds/pepesaiko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So he suffers through miserable weeks with the perfect man-in theory. He realizes there’s a difference between really loving someone and loving the idea of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“When will you come home?”

Akashi is quiet but Kuroko knows there are a thousand thoughts running through his head. Lies, he figures since he doubts Akashi has once told him a truth in the five years they had been together.

“Soon, a week maybe, I’ll call,” he says, pressing a kiss to his forehead but it’s not right. It was never right, it was a kiss one might give to a pet, something they won’t miss. Kuroko smells yellow chrysanthemums from Akashi’s jacket and he wonders when he had got a new cologne. Or maybe it’s the smell of other people that washed up on Akashi. He wants to push him away from him.

He watches the lean back disappear from view and only when he hears the click of the front door locking does he let his guard down.

He picks up the phone from its stand and hesitates before dialing in a number. He holds the phone up to his ear, teeth gnawing on his lips.

“Hello?”

“Aomine-kun?” he breathes, quiet, even now when Akashi isn’t home he still feels unsafe, insecure.

“Tetsu? Hey, what’s up?” and Kuroko hates it. He hates how Aomine had hesitated before talking to him, how he had slowed down his talking as if he was talking to a child.

“You don’t have to talk like that, he’s not home,” Kuroko snaps listening as Aomine sighs.

“Okay. Alright, I’m sorry,” he says.

“He left about ten minutes ago,” Kuroko says, voice gradually getting higher with each word. Aomine is quiet again.

“Did he say when he was coming back?” he asks.

“A week, it might be more this time,”

“And you have no idea what he’s doing?” Aomine asks and Kuroko stills; images of hidden guns and pill bottles flashing his memory.

“No,” he says quietly. Aomine sighs again and it comes as a sting to Kuroko.

“I’ll try to get a team on him again but-“

“I know, just, _please,”_ Kuroko pleads, it’s not the first time asking Aomine to trail Akashi but he can’t live like this. He can’t live knowing one day Akashi will leave home and not come back again.

“I know. Take care, Tetsu,” he says and the call ends with a click. Kuroko sighs, putting the phone back and running a finger through his hair and eyeing the queen sized bed way too big for one person.

 

_“Where do you work?” Kuroko had asked, when they were in the prime of their relationship. They had just recently started to live together in Akashi’s house. It was spacious, a living room, three bedrooms, kitchen and two bathroom and more than enough for the both of them._

_“I do some stuff here and there,” Akashi mumbled, suddenly taking a newfound interest in his oatmeal._

_Kuroko’s eyebrows had raised, thinking that it was a game. “Is it something illegal?” he had joked but it seemed to come off wrong to Akashi who had stilled and looked up at him questioningly._

_“Just joking,” he said quickly, “But really, what do you do?”_

_“I’ll tell you soon enough,” Akashi had said, giving him a small smile. Kuroko had decided to drop the subject for the better._

Their house was clean, completely untouched. Their bedroom was the only room that looked as if someone lived in it and even then, most nights it was usually Kuroko who slept in the bed. Akashi would arrive home late, sometimes sleeping alone in the guest rooms. He crept out of the room and tiptoed across the hall to what was now known as Akashi’s room. He shook the door knob only to find that it was locked.

“Shit,” he muttered trying the knob again. The only time Kuroko went into Akashi’s room had ended badly.

 

_“Where are you going?” Kuroko had mumbled blearily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he sat up in bed. Akashi was already dressed, clad in a white button down shirt and fresh slacks. He had given Kuroko a forced smile and ruffled his head. “Work,” he had muttered, giving him a kiss._

_“Wait,” Kuroko said, grabbing onto Akashi’s wrist as he pulled himself into an upright position. “Where are you really going?” he asked, searching through heavily guarded eyes for answers. Akashi had held his gaze and then shrugged Kuroko’s hand off him. “I told you-work,” he had said, walking to their- no not their, **his** closet and looking for a suit. _

_Kuroko pulled his knees to his chest watching Akashi carefully. “Why won’t you ever tell me where you go? Do you not trust me?” He had asked, insecurity driving through his chest. Akashi had turned around, angry and in disbelief._

_“Don’t say such stupid things, Tetsuya, you’re smarter than that,” he had snapped, simultaneously snapping Kuroko’s patience._

_“Well If I was so smart then I would’ve figured out where you go off to whenever you say ‘work’,” he had muttered angrily, fingering the bed sheets. As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he regretted them. Akashi was quiet, only adding fuel to the fire._

_He scoffed, “You think I’m cheating on you don’t you?” his face was a look of disbelief._

_“I never said that,” Kuroko bit back. Akashi shook his head. “Oh you don’t need to say anything, Tetsuya,” he spitted and Kuroko had felt the prickles of anger surging through his skin but he bit the inside of his cheek and remained quiet._

_He watched as Akashi put on his suit and grabbed his briefcase. “I’ll be back,” he muttered before leaving. Kuroko glared at the bedroom door for a while after Akashi had left._ If he wants to play dirty, I’ll play dirty, _he had thought before tip toeing out of the room._ What on earth does he do in that room all day anyways _? He wondered, noticing the guest room where Akashi stays for most days he’s home. He turns the knob of the door, expecting it to be locked but is surprised when it easily opens. He opened it fully to reveal a normal room._ What was I expecting? _He thought, looking around the medium sized room. It had a twin sized bed, a desk table, lamp, and a few of Akashi’s under garments scattered around the room._

_He stepped over a pair of boxers and examined the desk. Akashi’s laptop was on it, open to the home layout and Kuroko timidly clicked on the window that was open._

_“What are you doing?”_

_Kuroko jumped and stepped away from the desk. Akashi was looking at him, voice steely and low. “I- I was just looking around,” he said, stumbling over words. Akashi’s eyes, so heavily guarded before, had taken on a nasty glare, so intense that Kuroko couldn’t hold it._

_Kuroko’s standing there when Akashi walked over to him and dragged him into an almost too-tight embrace before getting Kuroko’s face between his hands. His red eyes are pure rage and his lips are thin as he had stared Kuroko down._

_“Never open this door. It’s my room and you are never to come in here. Do you understand, Tetsuya?”_

_Kuroko had opened his mouth to snap something back at him but Akashi’s hands had tightened to a painful level. His fingertips pinch at Kuroko’s cheeks and his thumbs were hard at the hinge of Kuroko’s jaw._

_“Promise me”_

_Kuroko winced, feeling the draw of blood. “You’re hurting me, Akashi-kun,”_

_Akashi squeezed harder, his brows drawn into a thin line. “Promise me, Tetsuya.”_

_“I promise- shit I promise!,” he had nearly shouted, tears pricking his eyes as Akashi loosened his grip. He had never seen Akashi like that. His eyes were wide, jaw tight. He had looked completely wild._

_“What’s_ wrong _with you?” He had shouted at Akashi, nursing his bruised jaw. Akashi had dropped his abusive façade and sighed, rubbing his temple. He moved to get closer to Kuroko but Kuroko had shoved him away “Don’t touch me,” he had snapped, disgusted and locked himself in their room. Soon after, he heard the lock of the main door._

_A few weeks later, there was a new lock on Akashi’s room._

_What to do, what to do_ Kuroko thinks. He’s in the kitchen, sitting cross legged on top of the chairs drinking a canned beer. He doesn’t know who his boyfriend is anymore. He supposes it isn’t so hard to leave Akashi. He could pack up his clothes, take a bit off their savings and run off but there’s always something that stops him. He’s a fucking lunatic for staying in their relationship as it is.

 He remembers a time when he and Akashi were the ideal couple. They were the definition of 3 am late night drives, drinking away all their senses until they were throwing up meals from last week, staying home on Friday nights with a bottle of wine and extravagant meals, having sex for an absurd amount a day but also taking baths with each other, whispering _stupid_ fairytale promises, vowing _bullshit_ vows and _fake_ declarations of love.

Kuroko puts down his third can of beer with a bang. He’s feeling a little lightheaded and he isn’t sure if it’s because he hasn’t been so alcohol friendly or the fact that he’s trudged too far into memory lane.

Did Akashi even love him anymore? He remembers when he told him he wanted a man who called him on his bullshit and baby, that’s all Kuroko did. But it doesn’t make him feel any better calling Akashi on his shit when he’s alone on Saturday nights while his friends pair off and he’s sitting in front of the television with a bottle of wine and thinking _this is perfect_ as if he’s the one dating himself.

So he suffers through miserable weeks with the perfect man-in theory. He realizes there’s a difference between really loving someone and loving the idea of them.

He drinks a little too much and tries a little too hard. And goes home to a cold bed thinking, _that was fine,_ when it really wasn’t.

Because the only time he saw Akashi lately was coming home late in the evening, covered in bruises, pushing him onto the bed for sex he barely had a part in. And when Akashi got knocked out, he stuck out the finger onto his unconscious form and went to jack off in the bathroom. _Fuck him._

Kuroko groans, the alcohol finally finding itself in his stomach. He feels sick and not okay. He will be okay, he thinks, but right now he’s not. He wants his boyfriend to put his arms around him, to console him, to baby him for a little bit. Just for a second.

“Screw you,” he slurs at no-one and attempts to make his way to the couch where he promptly knocks himself out the second his head hits the pillow.

 

_“What are those?” Kuroko had asked one day. Akashi paused and Kuroko knew he was about to lie. It’s the worst feeling, he had thought, when he has to wait and prepare himself for the lie._

_“Medication,” he said, shoving three small white pills and downing them with water._

_“For what?” Kuroko mused, folding the clothes from the laundry. They’re all Akashi’s clothes._

_“Headaches,” Akashi answered, pushing the small bottle into his pocket. Kuroko’s eyes follow him out the room and he knows Akashi didn’t miss his persistent gaze._

_The pill bottle became a more common sight after that and with that came the change in Akashi’s personality. The quietness, the tightness of his jaw, and one day Kuroko fully sees him uncoiled._

_It was a stupid and shitty fight. If Kuroko could take it back, he would._

_“You don’t do much work around here,” he had told Akashi during dinner one day. Akashi was quiet, stabbing his meat with his fork._

_“Am I expected to run this house by myself?” he said again, trying to get Akashi’s attention. Akashi, again, ignored him._

_“Akashi-kun, are you even listening to me?” he had tried again, exasperated, as if Akashi was slipping right through his fingers and in reality- he was. And that’s when Kuroko lost it. He stood up, slamming his palms on the table._

_“I cant_ stand _this. Where are you lately? What do you do? Are you seeing someone behind my back? Are you doing something illegal? What is your problem?” He had nearly screamed, face red, hands shaking._

_“Argh!” he had grunted as he felt someone push his head back against the kitchen wall. And there was Akashi, eyes furious, hand gripped in his hair._

_“You have no right talking to me like that when I’m the one who helps pay for this shithole. You stay here and do your part, bitch,” he snarled at him, each word forced out and drilling itself into Kuroko’s head._

_“I’m the bitch you’re dating,” he had snapped back, pushing Akashi off him only to have him push him against the wall once more, the pain ringing in his ears._

_He had eventually let go of Kuroko, retreating to his room and locking the door behind him. In his fury, Kuroko had smashed three plates, not bothering to bandage his bloody hands and fell asleep on the couch, trembling in anger._

_He had awoken on their bed, hands bandaged and Akashi nowhere in sight._

Kuroko wakes up the next morning with the worst hangover ever. He had slept awkwardly, neck pulled back, head hanging off the couch and now there was a horrible crick in his neck. He drags himself to the downstairs bathroom and forces down some advil. A flash of silver catches his eye and he reopens the medicine cabinet.

He fingers the bottle, hands clenching and unclenching before taking four small tablets and quickly downing them with tap water. He rereads the label on the flask.

_Antidepressants increased the risk compared to placebo of suicidal thinking and behavior (suicidality) in children, adolescents, and young adults in short-term studies of major depressive disorder (MDD) and other psychiatric disorders. Anyone considering the use of Valium or any other antidepressant must balance the risk with the clinical need. Patients of all ages who are started on antidepressant therapy should be monitored appropriately and observed closely for clinical worsening, suicidality, or unusual changes in behavior._

Kuroko stares at the label, eyes glazing over and he can’t seem to focus on the words. Before, when Akashi first started leaving, leaving Kuroko alone at home, he had thought it was because he was lonely, he missed his boyfriend. He couldn’t sleep at nights and when he did, he woke up, a scream on his tongue. He was _terrified._ And then there was the alcohol. He spent days and nights drinking away his pain, bordering on the edge of insanity but not quite. He was scared and paranoid of something, _someone_. And it terrified him to think that _someone_ could be his very own boyfriend.

So he had gone to the therapist, moaning about how his significant other didn’t fuck him as often, and she had listened and piled him on with antidepressants over antidepressants. Valium, Abilify, Tofranil, you name it, he had taken it. It didn’t work. He went outside fine with a small smile on his face but he woke up, numb, tired, tears pricking at his eyes at how utterly _worthless_ he felt.

He had thought depression was stupid, a side-effect of suicide, that it didn’t exist. He still thinks so. Everything is a side-effect to dying, he thinks.

He puts the bottle away and left the bathroom.

 

_When Akashi first started leaving, Kuroko didn’t mind. He was innocent, cute, believed anything his handsome, rich boyfriend told him. He was worried and horrified whenever Akashi came home, cuts deep in his body, purple and yellow bruises on his ribs. He’d cry, but Akashi would shut him up with his lips._

_He’d open Kuroko up slowly and languidly like back in high school, tongue forcing it’s way into Kuroko’s mouth, licking his teeth, playing with his tongue, circling it and thrusting deeper into his throat with an obscene_ shlick. _Somewhere along the way Akashi had stopped caring if Kuroko liked it or not._

_Whenever Akashi was bored, Kuroko would open up for him, as if it was so hard for him to spread his legs. Let Akashi fuck him, he didn’t mind; until he did. He was rough but it was a new kind of pain. It was erotic and kind of sexy. It had him moaning, delirious, and screaming out words he didn’t think existed. At some point it became a matter of ‘what am I feeling?’ ‘what do I get out of this?’_

_It started to become routine. Him on his knees, Akashi’s hands forcing his neck onto the matress, sinking into him without much preamble but Kuroko never felt much anymore. It bordered on irritating, annoying for him these days. Yes, he’d get turned on but did Akashi ever let him cum? No. He’d lay there, a few embarrassing noises slipping out his mouth and just when he’d feel that indescribable feeling of pleasure building up, Akashi would pull out, leaving him empty and hollowed. He’d pat his head as if he was some sort of_ pet _and escape back to his room._

_Kuroko would stay there, dirtied, Akashi’s cum leaking out of his asshole, and think ‘when was the last time I enjoyed having sex with Akashi?’ He’d clean himself, scrubbing his body hard, to erase any trace of Akashi but he always found a way of leaving his mark on Kuroko. Fingerprints on his hips, bite marks on his shoulders. In the end he was always too mentally tired to relieve himself so he’d fall asleep exhausted and worthless._

At around two, Kuroko leaves the house and makes his way to the supermarket to get groceries. Their refrigerator holds only a carton of milk, a bottle of Cake bread Cellars Chardonnay, two packs of canned beer, and left over yakisoba. And right now, he’s craving a vanilla milkshake.

Akashi’s house is in a very semi-residential area. It’s about five miles to the nearest supermarket so Kuroko usually takes the car. Lexus IS F. It was a gift from Akashi though Kuroko never really liked expensive sports cars, he accepted it. Some days he walks. When he wants to clear his mind, he strolls through the rural area, smiling at little children, admiring young couples, and trying not to look like a neglected boyfriend.

The car is mildly cool and smells like Akashi, unsurprisingly. Everything in their house smells like Akashi. Heck, it’s not even _their_ house anymore _._ He suddenly felt utterly exhausted, body limp and lifeless. He felt so _alone._

But he sucks it up, piles the feelings away and locks them up, so similar as to what he had done all those years ago during basketball.

The drive takes about half an hour and by then his stomach is making noises similar to a humpback whale in heat so he opts for takeout and makes a mental reminder to do groceries _tomorrow._

He drives into the parking lot of a local sushi place, one him and Akashi have gone to many times and orders a platter of assorted tempura rolls. He most likely will not be able to finish them all but sitting down in the small restaurant helps him think.

He knows he shouldn’t get so worked up over Akashi but he thinks there was a point in his life when the redhead made him _truly_ happy. There was a point where he _loved_ Akashi. He hates the redhead, yeah, but he loves him just the same. It’s cruel and so, _so_ unhealthy for him but it’s what he does.

“Tetsu-kun..?”

Kuroko turns around at the high voice calling out to him and he’s faced with pink hair and a large bust.

“Good afternoon, Momoi-san,” he smiles, taking a sip of his tea. Momoi beams at him and sits down in the seat opposite him. She worked part time at the sushi place but was a full time mother, having settled down with Aomine a few years back.

“I haven’t seen you around here often. Are you with Akashi-kun?” she asks innocently, looking around for the redhead. Kuroko’s hands instinctively clench around the mug.

“No. Akashi-kun…is out,” he says quietly. Momoi knows about Akashi’s mysterious leaves, mostly due to Aomine, but he doesn’t want them to be _too_ loud.

“Really?” she says, eyes wide. “That’s strange, since I saw him maybe 10 minutes ago in front of the store.” Kuroko nearly spits out his tea. _Here? Akashi is here?_

“Really? Did he tell you where he was going? Was he with anyone?” he asks, frantic. Momoi shakes her head, looking sad.

“No, he didn’t see me. I’m really sorry Tetsu-kun, if I knew what he was doing, you’d be the first to know,” she says, squeezing Kuroko’s hand sympathetically before getting up to go back to work. Kuroko slumps down in his seat after she disappears, thoughts running through his head at the speed of light. _Why had Akashi lied to him? Whenever he disappears does he always stay in town? Does this mean he’s still in town now?_

He stands up, leaves a bill on the table and exits the restaurant.

 

_“What are those?”_

_Kuroko freezed, the pill just on the tip of his tongue and he swallowed quickly, hiding the bottle behind him._

_“N-nothing, just some advil,” he said, giving him a forced smile and trying to go past him. Akashi blocked his path from the bathroom and stared him down._

_“Give me the bottle Tetsuya,” he said evenly, the voice so similar to honey and razor thin knives. Kuroko clenched his fist around the bottle._

_“I told you,” he said, voice tight, “It’s just advil.” Akashi narrowed his eyes at him, making Kuroko feel like the target of a cobra attack, which was an accurate metaphor, being trapped in Akashi’s dual colored gaze._

_Before he could make another move, Akashi had twisted him around, trying to pry the bottle from his hands. Kuroko grunted, trying to kick at Akashi and tightened his grip._

_But, in a fight of strength, Akashi was the clear winner. Tears of frustration pricked his eyes as Akashi pried the pill bottle from his hands. Vertical pupils scanned the antidepressants before sighing and rubbing his temple. He was quiet, throwing the bottle in the air and catching it before walking away._

_“That’s all you do nowadays, huh? Walk away from things,” Kuroko spat, feeling the closing of his throat. Akashi stilled, turning around at Kuroko with a conflicted look on his face. Kuroko had wondered at that time, did Akashi ever think what happened to the both of them? They were so focused on controlling the other, they never had the time to love one another._

_“Do you love me Akashi-kun?” he had said in his last bit of anger. The silence that had followed had sent jabs of pain and insecurity through him. It had hurt, a lot._

_“I do,” Akashi had replied but the silence had spoken enough. And if Akashi had heard Kuroko crying in his room that night, he didn’t do anything about it._

“Excuse me, have you seen a redhead come by here? A little taller than me? Wearing a suit?”

The lady at the flower shop shook her head and Kuroko sighs, shoving his hands into his pockets and going on to the next store. He had asked almost every shop in town but nothing. _Maybe Momoi-san saw another redhead._ But with Momoi’s analytical gaze, he didn’t think so.

So he goes back home, feeling numb and hollowed out. He was like a bird in a cage. But dear Akashi left the cage open at all times. It was Kuroko, being the masochist he is, that didn’t leave. They had wasted so much time trying to be the perfect boyfriend that when all that paint and outer layer disappeared they were disgusted, horrified at what the other was.

As soon as he opens the door to the house, his phone starts ringing. Reading the caller ID as Aomine, he quickly picks up, heart racing, for what reason Kuroko can’t tell you.

“Hello?” he breathes.

“Tetsu? It’s Aomine,” Aomine says and Kuroko clicks his teeth in annoyance. _He knows that._

“Yeah?” he says, in hopes of some news of Akashi.

“Okay so I sent some of the guys out and..it’s not definite so I don’t want you to get your hopes up but they, they _might_ have seen Akashi in a club in Chiba,” Aomine says carefully. Kuroko blanks out because this is literally the _first_ time he’s ever had any news about Akashi. He’s excited and jittery.

“Really? Can I get the details?” he asks, jotting down the information of the time and location before hanging up on Aomine. He exhales slowly, looking at the notepad. _What does he do now?_

He’s going to look for his boyfriend.

//

He packs. A lot. He thinks his therapist would be proud of him. How much energy and determination he’s putting into something. She would most likely smile, pat his head, but continue his usual dosage of pills. _Fuck her._ He packs in everything. Because he knows it’s hot in Osaka but it’s freezing in Chiba. Sweaters, shorts, t-shirts, jackets. He piles in money- almost a thousand bucks, keys, phone, and. he hesitates- but he shoves in the gun too. He had found the black, heavy pistol underneath their mattress one day. He had no idea how it got there but he immediately knew it was Akashi. Whether Akashi used it or had stolen it didn’t matter to Kuroko because whenever he would even touch the weapon, his fingers would shake.

He hid the gun away from Akashi-stuffing it inside their dishwasher because Akashi never washes the dishes and they rarely turn it on. How terrified Kuroko had gotten when he had noticed Akashi looking under their bed one day. The familiar prickle of sweat, the thudding of his heart, the inexplicable glare he had given Kuroko and oh, he was certain. If not today, then the day after, and so on, he knew Akashi was going to kill him.

He shoves everything he needs into a huge duffel bag and a separate book bag and hauls them into the car. Once done he shoves the address of the club into the pocket of his jeans and locks the house.

It’s an hour, maybe two in this traffic, drive to Osaka, specifically the club that Aomine had directed him. He smiles, a dangerous smirk, and steps on the gas.

//

The highway is empty. It’s a foggy day and the humidity is high and Kuroko deeply regrets wearing his sweatshirt so he decides to pull over on the emergency lane to take it off.

He sighs in relief, taking off the sweat soaked hoodie and relishing the cool air on his bare chest. He digs through his duffel bag for a clean shirt to wear.

A knock on his window interrupts him and he squints at the figure until he realizes that the man is wearing a police uniform. _Shit,_ he thinks, pulling the t-shirt over his head.

“Good afternoon, sir,” he says, smiling nervously at the officer. It’s a man probably in his late twenties, early thirties and he narrows his eyes at Kuroko. _What the fuck does he want._

“You are aware you have no emergency lights on,” the officer says, already writing away on his tablet of doom. Kuroko groans, unaware that he had done so out loud, and the officer shoots him another glare.

He hands Kuroko the ticket which Kuroko _graciously_ accepts and watches as the police car speeds away. He looks at the $150 scrawled on the ticket and bangs his head against the steering wheel.

 _Where’s Aomine-kun when you need him,_ he thinks bitterly as he pulls out the emergency lane and onto the highway.

The dashboard clock reads 4;25 in angry red blocks. He’s been driving for about half an hour, not including his little _“break”._ And by the pace his car is going, he can afford to go at least 10 more an hour, but he’s not going to risk getting another ticket.

So he drives carefully, popping in a _2ne1_ cd, singing along in Korean the best he can, and he feels strange, almost at peace with himself.

_My longing for you tortures me more than my loneliness_

_Every night, I get nightmares_

_Even in my dreams, I call out your name_

_The only thing left here is your shadow_

Kuroko sings along bitterly, the words like venom on his mouth but he turns up the volume, the fluid and girlish voices washing out whatever emotion Kuroko had in him.

He pulls over at a gas station when it’s around 5. Usually around this time at home, Kuroko would grab the most expensive wine out the cellar, pour himself a glass, maybe two, curl up around the television and watch anime. Obviously, he can’t pour himself a glass here, so he opts for some Pocari. It tastes horrible, like soda but without the fizz and he feels like throwing up. He ends up buying four cans.

He blows forty dollars on gas and gets back on the road. A million types of vehicles pass by him in a matter of fifteen minutes. He spies minivans, factory trucks, oil trucks, cargo vans, mini pick-up trucks, convertibles, and a few sports cars like his which are common in Japan. His shrink told him that’s what people who suffered from bipolar depression did. Observation skills, she called it. People watching, Kuroko interpreted.

He watches soccer moms driving their kids to a sports match, be it baseball, hockey or soccer; a frantic man with an extremely pregnant lady on the seat next to him, a happy family; mom and dad and two kids in the back laughing. Kuroko’s eyes glaze over and his car had started to slip a little on the freeway but he gets his shit back together and continues driving.

He is amused when the car in front of him has a large bumper sticker plastered on it’s trunk that says, in bubbly kanji, _to love is to suffer._ Kuroko wants to laugh. He switches lanes and drives close to the car, pulling down his window and shouting, “I like your bumper sticker.” The guy in the car smiles at him, quiet and humble and Kuroko drives off, exiting at the next mile.

Another hour goes by and Kuroko’s legs have been falling asleep too many times so when he sees the large sign that reads _Welcome to Osaka Prefecture,_ he decides to take a break.

Osaka is a beautiful place. It’s similar to Kyoto in traditional Japanese beauty and the large temples, shrines, and endless cherry blossom trees. He had only been here a few times in the past with his parents. He had told Akashi many times, even dropping hints, going so far as to placing Osaka tourist pamphlets in the bathroom, kitchen and bedroom, to take a vacation and take him to Osaka. It never happened.

He drives through a busy freeway, taking in the small tea shops, the flurry of Japanese men and women, dressed in yukatas and kimonos alike, and he smiles.

He stops the car by a tea shop and gets out, his black jeans and rumpled t-shirt making him stand out in the crowd.

“Excuse me, could you tell me if there is a hotel near here?” he asks a nice looking lady with a baby in her arms. She smiles, lips red and perfectly shaped.

“Yes I can, dear boy. That would be the Shinsaibashi, though I’m afraid I can’t tell you the exact location,” she says. Kuroko shakes his head. “Thank you very much,” he bows and goes back into his car.

He’s thankful Akashi had a pre-installed GPS on his car. He types in the location and frowns. The hotel the lady had told him was almost all the way at the other end of the prefecture. It was the only one he could afford as he was trying to save what little money he had brought with him. So he sighs and starts driving.

It turns out Kuroko is _horrible_ at following global instituted directions because he finds himself in some weird neighborhood just as the sun had begun to set.

“You can’t be kidding,” he mutters to himself, watching the sky darken. Now, Osaka might be a nice place in the daytime but he’s heard plenty of news stories about the things that go bump in the night.

He drives into a darkened street and parks his car before getting out. The air is warm and very summer-y and the sky resembles purple and yellow bruised skin. The candy colored skin Akashi would come home with.

There are barely people out in the street now and none of them look like the friendly woman he had spoken to earlier that day. There are tall and buff men on the streets now, looking at Kuroko as if he was raw meat and Kuroko shivers involuntarily, wrapping his flannel around himself despite the warm air.

“Where you going sweetie?” he hears one of the men call out and Kuroko walks faster. _Just ignore them, they won’t do anything if you ignore them,_ he tells himself but more jabs and sneers come his way.

“Come back, hot stuff, we just wanna talk~ ”

“Hey, isn’t he a bit girlish for a dude”

“I’d love to get my hands on _that”_

Kuroko frowns, his fast paced walking turning into a slow jog but as fast as he’s trying to get away from the men, the louder their voices get.

“Hey!,” he calls out as he’s grabbed by one of them. The man is tall, maybe over 6 feet, large and his teeth are yellow and uneven. Kuroko tries to escape but his hand has a death grip on Kuroko’s. He opens his mouth to protest.

“Hey! Get your hands off him!,”

Kuroko turns around just as the man is being punched in the face. He automatically lets go of Kuroko who is pushed down from the force of the grip.

“You okay?” the vigilante says, helping Kuroko up. Kuroko is shaken but watches as the large men eventually walk away muttering things like “he had a boyfriend anyways”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” Kuroko says, finally getting a good look at his rescuer. He’s a tall man too-way taller than Akashi- and he has spiky rusty, red hair with black undertones, smooth tan skin and funky eyebrows. _Yes, funky eyebrows indeed._

“You know, this place is called a red light district for a reason, kid,” the man says, clicking his tongue. He’s wearing a yukata, to which Kuroko is relieved because for some reason seeing people in traditional clothing makes him feel a lot safer.

“Thanks for back there,” he says, with a twinge of uncertainty because this guy might’ve helped him out, but that doesn’t mean he did it to help him. For all he knows, he could be this guy’s next victim.

The guy walks Kuroko out of the street. “It’s no problem, what were you doing there anyways?” he says, throwing a glare at a man who whistles at Kuroko. Kuroko chuckles at that, why, this guy is as harmless as a house fly.

“I’m looking for my boyfriend,” he answers honestly and the guy splutters a bit, turning pink.

“What? Never seen a gay guy in Osaka before?” Kuroko teases, smiling. The guy frowns.

“W-what? I was just surprised, that’s all,” he murmurs. Kuroko feels at ease with this man.

“What’s your name?” he asks out of curiosity.

“Kagami Taiga,” he answers, “yours?”

“Kuroko Tetsuya,” Kuroko answers. “Nice to meet you”

“Likewise”

//

Kagami turns out to be as harmless as a housefly. Especially once Kuroko finds out he has the most high pitched sneeze ever, which causes Kagami to blush and splutter even more.

After Kagami had helped him out in the alleyway, Kuroko asked him where to find the hotel to which he was disappointingly informed that there was no hotel of that name. _Don’t judge a book by its cover,_ Kuroko had thought.

He had asked Kagami if there were any more hotels in the area but Kagami had shook his head, telling him that the nearest one to the area was in the opposite direction Kuroko had come from.

“Aah, I see,” Kuroko says at the newfound information. “Well, thank you Kagami-kun, you helped me a lot and I’ll never forget that.” He turns to leave.

“W-wait! Kuroko!,” Kagami yells suddenly, grabbing at him. “You could always stay at my apartment?” he offers. “It gets crazy out at night, and it might take you a while to find a hotel.”

Kuroko ponders over that. He had quite literally met Kagami thirty minutes ago but already he trusts him more than his very own boyfriend. He hardly thinks Kagami is a murderer because he had seen him cower in fear when a stray dog had walked there way. So he figures, what gives?

“If it’s not too much trouble, then yes, I’d like that,” Kuroko smiles. Kagami offers a half smile and leads the way.

“Where _is_ your so-called boyfriend anyways?” Kagami asks, picking at a hangnail. They’re walking into a nice looking neighborhood now. It’s dark but Kuroko can see pieces of a homey feel; the lady walking the dog across the street, the front lawns littered with children’s toys, the lights inside all the homes.

“He left me two days ago to do some sort of business, but, the problem is I don’t know what he does,” Kuroko says honestly. Kagami makes a sound of disapproval.

“Sounds like a lousy boyfriend,” he says loudly. Kuroko scoffs. “Yeah,” he says softly.

Kagami’s apartment is clean and large. The living room holds only a couch, television and coffee table and the bedrooms are bare safe for Kagami’s.

“I just really like basketball okay,” he mutters, ears turning red when Kuroko teases him about all his Lebron James posters.

He sits on the kosatsu while Kagami makes them dinner. “You live alone, Kagami-kun?” he questions at the lack of people in the house.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. My mom died when I was young and my dad works in the States,” he answers, chopping what looked to be some sort of vegetable. “You?”

Kuroko thinks a while before answering. “My parents live in Tokyo, they didn’t approve of me living with Akashi-kun, but at the time I was really in love with him. I don’t have any siblings or cousins,” he answers. Akashi was mysterious and his mom had continuously told him that he looked like the antagonist from her old Chinese dramas but Kuroko hadn’t listened to her. He called her crazy and went off to live with Akashi in Kyoto ever since. He didn’t think he had talked to her in over 6 years. _Well, jokes on me, now,_ he thinks bitterly.

He notices that Kagami had stopped cooking. He had come to sit across from Kuroko in the koutatsu, staring at him intently.

“Kuroko, what did you say your boyfriend’s name was again?” he asks, voice firm.

“I never told you what it-“ he’s stopped by Kagami’s intense look.

“It’s Akashi Seijuro but why-“ Kagami’s eyes widen, a fraction of an inch but Kuroko catches it regardless.

“Why? Do you know him?” he asks, searching through Kagami’s red eyes. Kagami hesitates but then stops, sighing.

“I’m going to get killed if he finds out, but you’re his _boyfriend_ I thought you of all people should have known,” Kagami mutters, speaking to himself more than Kuroko. Kuroko is a little frightened but more or less confused at the whole ordeal.

“Kagami-kun? What is it? Do you know Akashi-kun?” he pleads. Kagami nods.

“Kuroko, have you ever heard of the Yakuza?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by this art: http://houdidesu.tumblr.com/post/93284076123

_It was exactly 6:00 when Kuroko had woken up which was especially strange. Kuroko woke up at extremely wavering times. 8:43. 7:56. 9:29. His life was alarmless._

_He huffed morning breath onto his pillow before lying straight on the bed. The curtains were pulled to the side, sunlight streaming through the window. He squinted at the light and vaguely remembered to pull the curtains over the blinds last night. He didn’t like open windows. A faint smell of eggs and bacon drifted through the open bedroom door. Kuroko was sure he closed it last night._

_Following the scent of food he tiptoed downstairs, listening to the sound of sizzling breakfast. He stood at the foot of the stairs at the unusual sight in front of him. Akashi- but it wasn’t Akashi, not really. Kuroko’s eyes widened as he took in his boyfriend’s appearance._

_Ratted button down drenched in deep muddy color (Kuroko didn’t want to think that was blood), red hair matted down to his forehead in sweat?blood?water?, through the rips of his shirt he could see deep gashes (knives? grazing by guns? Daggers?), his skin was already bruising at the edges, reopening old scars. Kuroko couldn’t help but let out a gasp._

_He didn’t think he’d get surprised anymore after the first couple of occasions, but he always did. His chest tightened as he forced his way to where Akashi sat at the kitchen table, head down, fingers closed around a glass of wine. Kuroko made his way behind him, placing his pale fingers on top of Akashi’s bruised ones, prying them away from the glass._

_“Come on, let’s get you to the bathroom,” he said, voice shaky. He placed one of Akashi’s arms around his. Akashi let out a groan, lurching over and that’s when Kuroko realized his fingers were digging into a wound. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said, gently placing his free arm around Akashi’s waist._

_He hoisted Akashi up and more or less dragged him to the downstairs bathroom. He placed Akashi on the toilet seat and helped him take off his shirt. Kuroko sucked in his breath. His bare chest was an even more grisly sight than the rest of him. His chest tightened again and all his breath was punched out of him. The sight of seeing someone you love in such a state can do that to someone._

_“Oh god,” he whimpered, hands going up to his mouth. There was a large wound going right through his shoulder, stopping just shy of his pecs. This was the area of most blood loss, he figured. He placed a wet cloth on it and Akashi didn’t even wince. There were more smaller cuts alongside his arms and stomach area which Kuroko could fix right away but he didn’t think Akashi’s shoulder would heal that soon. And Akashi for some reason would never go to a hospital._

_“Akashi-kun we need to get you to a hospital,” he pleaded with him, crouching on his knees so he could look at Akashi. Akashi shook his head, hands going up to rub his temple. He did that often._

_“No, no,” he sighed, “Can’t you just bandage it?” Kuroko bit his lip. “This is serious, you could get an infection,” he tried again. Akashi shook his head and it was final. He didn’t want to argue with him._

_So nimble, experted fingers wrapped bandages all around his chest and shoulders, rubbed disinfectant on his scars and wiped blood off wounds._

_“Get some rest,” he said softly while washing his hair. He had Akashi kneel back against the bathtub as he brushed his hair back through his fingers and washed it. Akashi looked at peace like this; eyes closed, no signs of worry lines or tense eyebrows. He looked young, for once he actually looked like a 20 something year old._

_Akashi hummed, struggling to get into a position he liked. They finally ended up with Kuroko sitting on Akashi’s lap, brushing through his hair with wet hands. Kuroko pressed his lips against Akashi’s forehead. Then again and again. “Get some rest,” he repeated again._

_“Okay”_

“Yakuza?” Kuroko says, blinking. Yes, he had heard of the yakuza. The largest gang in Japan, no maybe the entire Asian continent or the world. While they were known for criminal activities it was all more or less legitimate business, as his father had told him so long ago.

“Yes, I have heard of them but what about Akashi-kun?” he persisted again. Kagami is restless, pacing the span of the living room and muttering things to himself. “Kagami-kun?”

Kagami stops pacing and sits back down. “The yakuza are divided into subcategories right?”

“Yeah..,” Kuroko replies, unsure of what any of this has to do with him finding Akashi.

“Yamaguchi-gumi, Sumiyoshi-kai, and Inagawa-kai,” Kagami explains, hands fidgeting and that’s when Kuroko notices it. The black marks just at the start of his arm. He grabs Kagami’s arm and pulls up his sleeve. It’s beautiful and haunting in a way. The colorful swirls of waves and flowers. He looks up at Kagami shakily. The redhead is tense but slowly pulls off his yukata and Kuroko _gasps._

It’s a painting on his body. Every inch of his chest, stomach and arms are covered with traditional Japanese art. Dragons, cherry blossoms and sea monsters cover his tanned skin. Kuroko timidly reaches up to touch but Kagami pulls away. “We’re not supposed to show people,” he explains. Kuroko nods.

“We?” he asks, even though he knows the answer perfectly.

“Yes, I’m a part of the Sumiyoshi-kai,” Kagami says, all signs of harmlessness gone. He sits, eyes straight at Kuroko, jaw tense. He reminds him so much of Akashi. _Just like Akashi._

“And Akashi-kun?” he says, unable to keep the waver out his voice. It all makes _sense_ now. The increase in money, the disappearances, the injuries, the pills, the guns. He doesn’t want to believe it.

Kagami sighs. “You’ve heard of Shinobu Tsukasa right?” Kuroko nods. He’s heard of him plenty during school. The late head of the Yamaguchi-gumi, the largest yakuza syndicate. He was arrested maybe ten years ago and seemingly died in jail.

“Well, turns out Shinobu-san had a daughter,” Kagami says, “This daughter, Shinobu Shiori married a man by the name of Akashi Masaomi,”

Kuroko’s blood runs cold. _He knows those names._ He wants to stop Kagami, tell him thank you for the meal and hospitality, that he doesn’t need to know about the whereabouts of his boyfriend, that he’ll go home and become the loving and doting boyfriend he never was.

“Well, the two of them had a son-,”

_Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking._

“-Akashi Seijuro-,”

_Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking._

“-The seventh and current kumicho of the Yamaguchi-gumi.”

//

Kuroko blinks again. It starts as deep warmness in his stomach and starts slowly, crawling through his insides until his entire body is warm and tense. He feels like his mind is ten steps away from his body.

“What?” he croaks out, feeling his head throb. Kagami nods. “He’s been the kumicho for the past 10 years,” he says. _So ever since Shinobu died…and also ever since he started dating me,_ he thinks. He hears Kagami call out to him, once, twice, but Kuroko doesn’t hear him, feeling his eyes roll back into his head until darkness descends on him.

//

“Kuroko?”

Kuroko’s eyes twitch.

“Kuroko? You awake?”

Kuroko opens an eye but shuts it immediately. He briefly remembers fainting last night. He timidly opens both his eyes, letting them adjust to the light. He’s in one of Kagami’s guest bed rooms and Kagami is kneeling in front of him with a glass of water and worried looking eyes.

He takes the glass from Kagami and drinks the entire thing. “Thanks,” he mumbles solemnly. Kagami nods in reply. “So…I’m guessing you didn’t process that information that well,” Kagami says nervously.

Kuroko thinks about it. He’s surprised, but he’s not feeling _that_ shaken up. For just discovering his neglectful boyfriend is the head of a notorious gang, he’s taking it pretty well. “No, I did. I’m not really sure what I’m feeling, actually,” he offers. His head is still hurting like crazy and he starts to reach for his bags until he realizes he left his luggage in the car.

“Aah, Kagami-kun wouldn’t happen to have some Advil, would he?” he asks him. Kagami nods and gets up immediately. _Is it because I’m dating the head of the yakuza?_ Kuroko ponders. If so, he should tell this to everyone to get some pampered treatment.

Kagami comes back in a little while with the small tablet. Kuroko downs it without water. It’s what he’s used to anyways.

“So what are you going to do now?” Kagami asks, looking at Kuroko with wide eyes. He stills. Would it even matter going after Akashi now that he knew who he really was? Kuroko gives himself a pat on the back for the overly used line. He could stop him? Make him come back home? It would hardly work, but he’s come this far, he could afford to go the extra mile.

“I’ll go,” Kuroko says strongly and Kagami gives him this _look._ A look of pride? In _him._ It was strange and warm and left a nice feeling in Kuroko.

“Here’s a map of Chiba, and here’s a list and pictures of people you might want to avoid,” Kagami says once Kuroko had eaten and dressed. He hands him a large map with multiple red marks and notes and pictures of five men. Hanamiya Makoto. Imayoshi Shouichi. Haizaki Shougo. Mayuzumi Chihiro. Midorima Shintaro.

“What’s wrong with Midorima-kun?” he asks, poised over the green haired doctor.

“Huh?” Kagami says, picking at his teeth. “Oh, nothing. He’s just annoying,”

“I see,” Kuroko smiles to himself. “Well,” he starts, picking himself up, “I can’t begin to thank you enough, Kagami-kun,” he says earnestly, bowing to the tall man. Kagami flushes, scratching the back of his neck.

“Woah, no need to go that far I mean you are kind of technically my boss’s s/o,” he chuckles. Kuroko smiles warmly at him. “Oh, and here’s my number if you ever run into trouble. Just give me a ring,” he says again slipping him a piece of paper with numbers scrawled on them.

“Will do,” he says and leaves Kagami’s flat. It’s about 7 am and the sun is already up, along with most of Osaka’s residence. Everything sits funny in his stomach- everything about Akashi is just finally fitting into piece when it never has and it’s such a strange and new feeling; he’s not sure yet if it’s good or bad.

He thinks he ought to be downright _terrified_ of Akashi. He probably- no he _is_ the most feared man on this entire country, this entire _world._ But he feels calm, at peace. He isn’t forgiving Akashi for being a shitty boyfriend but he has gotten away on a few instances with this new information.

A clock chimes in the distance signaling the hour and Kuroko vaguely remembers the date. It’s Wednesday. It’s been 3 days since Akashi had left. If Akashi kept his word like he should have, he would be home on Saturday. Which gives Kuroko two and a half days to find him before that.

He steps into the car and types in CHIBA into the GPS. It’s going to be a long drive.

//

Chiba is approximately 546 kilometers via the Tateyama expressway. That rounds out to an almost 9 hour drive. Kuroko focuses on the road in front of him and not the jittering of nerves as he reads the _‘Chiba- 200 more miles’_ sign. He’s driven nearly 300 miles. It’s almost noon time now. He thinks he deserves a break.

While he had assumed that the news about Akashi had settled down well-he was wrong. Every time there was a bit of traffic and the car slowed down he had felt the cold dread, the feeling that someone was watching him. He’d look into people’s cars, eyes widened to see if they were a threat to him. Pretty soon all the cars from his lane moved away, as if that helped Kuroko. It just made him more paranoid.

His fingers shook on the steering wheel, every thought about Akashi running through his mind. Where was he? What was he thinking about? What was he doing?

It was unbelievable, really. At least the driving distracted him from the grief.

He stopped and pulled over at the gas station. The tank was almost empty and he didn’t want to risk getting stranded on the highway.

“Nice car,” a random somebody called to him, eyeing the expensive sports car and he shrinks back against the gas machine. _Too many people. Too many eyes judging him, scrutinizing him, looking deep inside him, peeling him apart until he’s just organs and blood._ Kuroko shudders, quickly filling the gas and driving out the gas station.

Although it has barely reached 1, the sky has begun to darken, cloud moving in over Kuroko almost foreshadowing the events that would come once he reaches Chiba. He shivers involuntarily and pulls his sweater closer to his body. He wishes it was like the weather in Osaka, bright and sunny but somewhere along the drive, the weather got colder and the pink cherry blossoms gave way to burned out trees caused by forest fires, making the highway look eerie.

_You ruined Akashi_

Kuroko hit the brakes so hard, his car skidded onto the grass.

_You controlled him too much._

Kuroko breathes hard, ignoring the loud beeps and skids of cars behind him. “No I didn’t,” he spits through gritted teeth.

_You hit him._

“Because he hit me!,” he shouts, slamming the steering wheel.

_Do you think he loves you? He never did. He took you away from home with honey covered words and then left you in that wretched house to die._

Kuroko shook, fingers trembling against the wheel.

_Go home._

“I can’t,” he whimpers. “They don’t want me anymore,”

_That’s your own fault._

More beeps and horns behind them.

_Worse, you convinced yourself your tragedy was entirely **his** making._

“ _It is all his fault!,”_ he screams, taking in large, jaggered breaths. “ _He did this to me! He made me **this.** He took and took from me until I didn’t exist, and even then he took!” _The pain was surreal, hitting him in every corner of his body, whispering curses and memories and scorching them onto his skin, mind. He presses his hands against his ears trying, desperately, to block out the voices.

 _I will find you, Akashi,_ he thinks bitterly. Lovesick words, hateful intentions.

//

Kuroko is exhausted. It’s 4 pm and he’s stuck in traffic just bordering the exit to Chiba on the Tateyama expressway. He needs a way to keep himself from stuffing the pens in his dashboard into his ears. All he can hear are the voices and he’s so damn _frustrated._ He hasn’t had a panic attack this big in a while.

Briskly, he searches through his carry on for some pills; any pills. He finds some ibuprofen and shovels in three of the large tablets. Out of the corner of his eye he notices the lady in the car next to him watching him with concerned eyes. He pulls up the window.

He feels relaxed after that, pleasantly numb. The driving is easier after that and he can’t wait to get out of the stupid car that stupidly smells like Akashi. Soon he hits the ten mile mark and cant help but sigh in relief. He’s been driving close to 9 hours with nothing but a few breaks and having eaten only Kagami’s holy home cooking in the morning.

“God bless right lanes,” he murmurs, zooming past the car accident on the left lane.

 

_“Akashi-kun, slow down,” Kuroko laughs. Akashi smiles over at him, accelerating more going almost 80 an hour. Kuroko can’t help the laughter and pleasure bubbling over him. They had been out for a joyride at 4 in the morning in the empty freeway, the hood to Akashi’s convertible opened so that they felt every bit of the warm wind. The sun had just began to rise and Kuroko couldn’t be more happier in that moment._

_“I think I’m in love with you,” Akashi says, eyes twinkling and Kuroko laughs, nodding._

_“Me too,”_

If Osaka was beautiful with temples and cherry blossoms and happy people, Chiba would be the direct opposite. It was like a red light Tokyo. He didn’t expect a friendly welcome but he was not surprised by the dark streets, the women with their too short skirts and too low tops standing on the corner of the streets eyeing Kuroko’s luxury car, the dimly lit shops.

He quickly pulls out the address to the club and puts it into his GPS. He’s pleased when it shows a fifteen minute drive. Steering the car out of the shady street, his heart starts thudding at the possibility of Akashi being in such close proximity to him.

The night club isn’t too flashy, in fact, you couldn’t tell it was a club until you peered inside. Kuroko parks his car in the lot and jogs in, hyper aware that he is fresh meat to the eyes of alcoholic middle aged men and pedophiles.

He shivers under their looks and looks around. He’s glad he didn’t get here too late because it seems night clubs are only active (shocking!) at night. The club is a lot larger than he expected; there’s a large dancefloor where only a couple of young men and women are casually swaying their hips, separate divisions for couches and lounging, restrooms, and partitions for rooms and lodging. The rest of the club is occupied with horny old men.

He walks over to the bar and sits down at a stool.

“New face. What’d you like?” a bubbly voice asks him. The voice is connected to a tall, handsome blond man. He’s dressed in a typical bartender outfit complete with white dress shirt, apron and bowtie.

Kuroko opens his mouth to order some chardonnay but remembers his limited amount of money and rethinks his options. “What’s your cheapest whiskey?” he asks hoarsely.

“Oooh, feisty. What is it this time? Tough breakup? She cheated on you?” The blond says knowingly, grabbing a Jack Daniels out of the counter.

“It’s a he actually,” Kuroko chuckles. Kise offers a noise of approval. “Same here,” the blond hums.

“I’m Kise, by the way. Kise Ryota,” he smiles at Kuroko, handing him the mug.

“Kuroko Tetsuya,” Kuroko answers, taking a swig of the whiskey and wincing at the sharp taste. Kise is quiet and Kuroko looks at him, the blond staring at him curiously.

“Kuroko Tetsuya?” he repeats and Kuroko nods, _what’s with this guy?_

“Kagami Taiga sent you?” Kise says and Kuroko stops, and this time it’s him staring at the bartender. “Yeah, he did actually,” he says, cocking his head, “you know him?”

“Kagamicchi called me yesterday to inform me about a certain Kuroko Tetsuya stopping by. Something about looking for Akashicchi,” Kise says, reaching under the counter to look for something. Kuroko winces inwardly at Kise’s strange honorific.

“You know Akashi-kun?” he asks quietly. The blond nods. “I mean, do you- do you,” he starts.

Kise leans in next to Kuroko. “You mean do I know he’s the boss of the yakuza then yeah, I do,” he smiles. Kuroko shudders under that smile. He wonders if Kise is just as dangerous as Akashi.

“Anyways, back to the point, Akashicchi came here last night. He had a dealing with Tsubasa Conglomerate over something. He was wearing a Manolo suit so I immediately had my eyes on him. I mean, how can you not ignore such a fashionably aware person these days, right? Kagamicchi told me to take pictures, so I did,” Kise explains handing him a paper file. Kuroko’s heart flutters for a bit. He had bought him that suit. But then it flutters for a different reason as he grabs the folder.

“You might want to open that somewhere else,” Kise tells him, eyeing the people next to him. Right of course, he can’t be exposing the identity of Japan’s Most Wanted in a stingy club in Chiba.

He follows Kise to a room in the back. It’s small but homey. Kise sits down in a table and Kuroko in front of him. His fingers shake as he pulls out the pictures. He sucks in his breath.

The first few are alright. There’s Akashi, red hair slicked back talking to an older man. They’re seated by one of the private lounges and there are multiple half naked women draped over the man. He’s pleased that there is none over Akashi. The next one is Akashi but this time he’s talking to the man, eyes narrowed in a glare and the man looks like Akashi’s next meal. Kuroko flips through the next few ones, until he comes to a specific one.

Akashi is leaning close to certain brunette. _Way too close._ The brunette has a body similar to a woman, tight shirt hugging his body in all the right places. His face is flushed and bright. So unlike Kuroko’s sullen and hollowed face. He swallows the bile rising in his throat. Akashi is smiling at the brown haired boy (he honestly he can’t be older than 16), eyes twinkling and Kuroko can’t ever remember a time when Akashi looked at him like that.

“Furihata Kouki,” Kise says, taking a drag from a cigarette. Kuroko looks up at him, the smell of smoke clouding his senses. “The brunette,” he explains.

“Oh,” is all Kuroko says.

“He’s 17, comes by a lot. Trouble at home,”

The next picture has Kuroko biting hard on the inside of his lip. It’s Akashi but he has an arm around _Furihata’s_ waist, pulling him into his chest. His fingers border just on top of his rounded bottom. The brunette has his head thrown back in laughter and Kuroko’s sweaty hands press harder onto the photograph.

This time, Akashi is kissing Furihata, his long fingers tugging on his hair while Furihata is smiling, legs wrapped around Akashi’s.

Akashi is pulling Furihata into the secluded rooms.

He’s taking off Furihata’s clothes.

He’s naked.

“Woah! Hey there!,” Kise yells and Kuroko stops. He comes to be, holding the ripped pieces of the pictures. He drops them as though they were acid.

“I paid good money to have those developed,” Kise mutters, tapping the cigarette against an ash tray. Kuroko is quiet.

_Cheater._

_Liar._

_Traitor._

_Cheater._

_Cheater_ _._

_Cheater_ _._

 

His blood is boiling, the frustration building up on his body is unbearable. His fingers shake as he reaches to grab a cigarette from the box. Kise stares at him before lighting it.

 

“Who is Akashicchi to you?”

_Cheater._

_Liar._

_Traitor._

 

Kuroko shakes his head taking a long drag from the butt. He should have _known._ He’d known all this time, but why was he so angry still?

He hadn’t believed it then. When Akashi came home, obvious hickeys littered over his neck and collarbones, he’d make himself believe someone scratched him, burn marks. He didn’t want to believe his boyfriend was just like the others. A liar. A cheater.

He’s so stupid. So _stupid._ It in fact it _was_ his fault. Their tragedy. All his fault.

_His fault._

_His fault._

_My fault._

_All my fault._

“You look horrible, Kurokocchi,” Kise says, reaching out for him but Kuroko pushes him away.

“Stop,” he gasps, trying to breathe. “Stop talking to me.” Kise looks at him, confused.

_You **made** Akashi leave you. _

Kuroko takes another drag of the cigarette, fingers shaking.

_You controlled him. You yelled at him._

He’s paranoid.

_He left you for a good reason._

“Are you alright, Kurokocchi?”

_He hates you._

Kuroko breaks the cigarette in two. _He’s a man who cheats on his boyfriend, he can’t undo that._

The voices stop and Kuroko gets a moment of silence. Kise is looking at him as if he’s crazy.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, although he has no idea what he’s sorry for.

“I heard Akashicchi-“another throb to his head, “-mentioning something about another meeting tonight.”

“I could help you get closer to him,” Kise offers. Kuroko thinks about it. He could do it. Get closer to him. Find out all those secrets he’s hiding. All those lies.

“It’s alright,” he says, but it’s not really him speaking. Kuroko watches himself speak to Kise, a whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in another. He’s disgusting, revolting. Kuroko wants to grab this imposter and choke him with his bare hands, watch death take away those pretty, already lifeless, eyes.

“Hey… you weren’t, by any chance, dating him were you?” Kise asks, those golden eyes looking deep into Kuroko’s soul.

“I don’t date two timers,” Kuroko smiles, watching as Kise laughs.

He hides the frown when Kise looks away.

 

_“I wish you would tell me where you go. I’m worried about you,” Kuroko said softly, tracing circles around Akashi’s chest. Akashi is quiet._

_“Seijuro?” Kuroko says quietly again. It was during these moments of vulnerability and intimacy that he would call Akashi by his given name. Other times, Akashi wouldn’t allow it._

_“I’ll tell you soon,” Akashi said. Kuroko looked down slowly, hurt and insecurity driving into his gut._

_“Hey,” Akashi says, gently holding Kuroko’s cheeks and pulling him up. “Imagine this,” he said, putting an arm around Kuroko._

_“We’re on an island, but guess what? It’s our island. We’re on the beach, we eat whatever you’d like, we have amazing sex in our house and then it’s the day over again. No more secrets. No more jobs,” Akashi says and Kuroko can’t help but smile._

_“You promise?”_

_“I promise,”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I hate you, Akashi-kun,” he screams, “In fact, sometimes I wish you would never come back home. I wish you would die, I really do. You destroyed me. I never want to see your horrible, lying, cheating self, ever again,” he’s crying, every intake of breath is a struggle. Akashi is quiet on the other line.  
> “If that’s what you want then,” he says, voice sharp and razor thin, “Then get the fuck out of my house, take your clothes, take your fucking wine and leave Kyoto. I want you out by next morning,” the line ends with a click. Kuroko is silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains rape/dubious con!!  
> -inspired by "fight song" by rachel platten and "hurt" by christina aguilera

_Kuroko stared, wide eyed at Akashi. “Say that again,” he says in awe, reaching up to stroke Akashi’s jaw. They were in Kuroko’s apartment, and Kuroko was sitting in Akashi’s lap as Akashi read to him._

_“_ I do not want your admiration now, because I do not want your insults in the future. I bear with my loneliness now, in order to avoid greater loneliness in the years ahead. You see, loneliness is the price we have to pay for being born in this modern age, so full of freedom, independence, and our own egotistical selves,” _he repeated in fluent English. Kuroko stared at Akashi’s lip as he spoke, noticed how he wet his lips every now and then and began another word in the foreign language. Akashi’s English had the ever so slight lilt of his home language and Kuroko felt his heart constrict in his chest._

_After Akashi finished, Kuroko straddled his hips and pulled at his cheek. ”Akashi-kun doesn’t have the right to be this cute,” he said angrily, pulling at his soft cheeks._

_“Tetsuya, it hurts,” Akashi whined._

_“You deserve it,” Kuroko said, pouting. He stopped when Akashi rubbed at his now red cheeks, moaning._

_“You didn’t tell me you knew English,” he mused, picking up the book from where they left. “My father taught me,” Akashi hummed, placing his chin atop Kuroko’s head._

_“Tell me about your father,” Kuroko said, flipping through the Japanese classic. Kokoro was his favorite work by Natsume Soseki. Akashi is quiet at first._

_“He’s hardworking. Strict but he’s trying. I know he is. He expects me to carry out his way of work,” Akashi said._

_“Which is?” Kuroko questioned. He knew Akashi Masaomi was loaded, Akashi lived in a fricking mansion._

_“It’s…business. But it’s tough sometimes. He doesn’t come back home most of the time. And mother, well she goes off with father too. I don’t really see them most of the time._

_“Are you?”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“Are you going to follow his trade of work?”_

_“…”_

_“An Akashi must always follow in his family’s footsteps,”_

Kuroko goes back to the car and drives to the nearest hotel. He drives at almost 70 miles an hour, watching the shops and people go past him in a blur.

“Here are your keys, sir,”

He shoves himself into the nearest elevator and gets off at the 42nd floor. His focus drifts and he takes slow, shuffling steps that scuff the floor. His head throbs and he squeezes his eyes shut, then opens them wide in an effort to stay awake. He scratches at his dry eyes hard enough that he feels wetness, but when he looks at his fingers, they’re red.

He pushes himself in the hotel room and barely makes it one step in before tripping over the step up and falling on his face.

“Ow,” he says quietly, clutching his now bleeding nose. The pain blossoms in his nose and it’s great because now he has an excuse to cry.

Pulling his head up and gripping the bridge of his nose he drags himself to the bathroom. The bachelor suite is too big to be a bachelor suite and he briefly wonders if the woman at the lobby took advantage of his fatigued state and charged him extra.

He leans over the sink and takes in his disheveled appearance. _You look disgusting,_ he thinks. His face is blotchy, there’s a blush riding high on his cheeks to his half-drunken state and his bangs are matted to his forehead in sweat. His nose is already a bluish-purple color due to the fact that he bruises way too easily. His eyes have completely sunk into their sockets, making him look as lifeless as ever. He swallows. He looks ugly.

Kuroko quickly takes a nose strip and puts it atop the bridge of his nose to stop any further bleeding and makes his way to the room’s mini fridge which is, thankfully, stocked with beer and wine. He opens the tab of a beer with a sickening _schlick_ and downs it.

Pop, _schlick,_ drink

Pop, _schlick,_ drink

Pop, _schlick,_ drink

He starts crying at one point, silent tears, trailing over his cheeks and disappearing under his chin. His chest aches.

Pop, _schlick,_ drink

Pop, _schlick,_ drink

Pop, _schlick,_ drink

Pop, _schlick,_ drink

His phone starts ringing and in his fit of self-pity he grabs it and throws it at the wall. It falls to the ground with a sickening thud. It stops ringing for a second but continues with the default iPhone marimba. Kuroko crawls to where the phone lies and picks it up.

“Stop calling me,” he slurs and is ready to hang up.

“Tetsuya?”

It’s one name, one word but suddenly the ground disappears and Kuroko feels like he’s drifting through plain air. All the pain in him disappears and he’s looking at himself, clean, refreshed, smiling.

“Tetsuya? Where are you?”

He’s not smiling anymore. The pain strikes back, harsher than ever and he feels himself unable to breathe. He’s hyperaware of everything at the same time. His fingers shake around the phone and he grits his teeth.

“I’m in a hotel in Fukouaka,” he lies, seething.

“Stop saying such foolish things and get back home from wherever you are,” Akashi snaps. Kuroko holds a hand up to his forehead and holds in the tears. His lips shake from the effort.

“God, all this time, and I – I thought you were actually- I thought you were actually going to _work,”_ he says, voice wobbly and quiet.

“What are you saying?” Akashi says, sighing. He sounds exasperated, annoyed and that finally cracks Kuroko open.

“I’m saying you’re a filthy, horrible _liar,”_ Kuroko forces out. The pounding in his brain makes his vision fuzzy.

“Get back home, Tetsuya,” Akashi says, irritated.

“I _hate_ you, Akashi-kun,” he screams, “In fact, sometimes I wish you would never come back home. I wish you would _die, I really do._ You _destroyed_ me. I never want to see your horrible, lying, cheating self, ever again,” he’s crying, every intake of breath is a struggle. Akashi is quiet on the other line.

“If that’s what you want then,” he says, voice sharp and razor thin, “Then get the fuck out of _my_ house, take your clothes, take your fucking wine and leave Kyoto. I want you out by next morning,” the line ends with a click. Kuroko is silent.

It starts with a loud wail and then he’s sobbing. Whenever he cries, there is a rawness to it, like the pain was still an open wound. The sobs were stifled at first, as he attempts to hide his grief, but this time he didn’t.

He cries as if his brain is being shredded from the inside. Emotional pain flowed out of his every pore. From his mouth came a cry so raw, that even the eyes of strangers, if they were in the room, would suddenly be wet with tears.

He grabs onto the side of the bed so that his violent shaking would not cause him to fall and from his eyes came a thicker flow of tears than he had cried for his dog the previous year. The world had vanished for him, now there was only pain enough to break him, pain enough to change him beyond recognition.

Tears stream down his cheeks, his whole face is red, and he screams at the very top of his lungs. His upper body and shoulders wrack with every sob that forces their way out, chest rising and falling unevenly as he gasps for breath, and he squeezes his eyes shut, balling his hands into fists each time he throws his head back to let out a blood curdling scream.

He feels the same way he was back at the club. His mind is 10 steps behind his body and he watches himself, or at least, the remains of himself. His throat tightens as he looks at his broken self, crying and screaming. _Why are you crying?_ He asks softly, wiping the tears away. _You should be happy you’re away from that wretched man._

“I have nothing,” Kuroko sobs.

_Why aren’t you happy?_

“ _I love him,”_

So that’s it. How pitiful.

//

He picks himself up, glues himself back together. It’s what he’s used to, anyways. It doesn’t stop himself from crying quietly in the bathtub, definitely doesn’t stop the screaming inside his head, the hollowness of his body, the two pieces of his broken heart.

He stops the shower, bringing his knees up to his chest in the tub. It still hurts. There’s a deep monstrous ache in him, a fierce hunger and longing that he’s never experienced before and _it hurts._

_Get up, pick yourself together._

He wonders when the voice in his head got so contradicting. He follows it anyways, stepping out of the hot water and gets changed. He brushes his hair, cleans up his swollen nose, wears nice clothes, cleans up the room and picks off the glass on his battered phone.

He turns it over in his hand. iPhone 6. It was a gift from Akashi. The hotel room door bell rings and he gets up, feeling another wave of melancholy wash over him.

“Who is it?” he attempts to speak but it seems that his voice has given up on him.

“Uh, Kurokocchi? It’s me, Kise, from the club,” the voice says.

“Oh,” Kuroko says and opens the door. He didn’t really want to go back to that place. Kise takes one look at him, raises two perfectly groomed eyebrows and walks into the suite.

“Kurokocchi, I’m going to be honest: you look like shit,” he says, grabbing a bottle of Champagne from the fridge and examining it before popping it open.

“Thanks,” Kuroko mumbles, sitting down on the floor in front of the bed. Kise hands him a cup of the sparkling wine and he accepts it with no further words.

“You’re dating him, aren’t you?” Kise says after a while.

“Was,” Kuroko corrects him, scratching at his nose.

“Good for you,” Kise replies and they’re both in a comfortable silence.

“I didn’t mean to break up with him,” Kuroko says quietly, “I was drunk and mad,”

“Kurokocchi, no offense, but you’re kind of a fucking idiot,” Kise turns to him giving him an incredulous look. “He _cheated_ on you. He can’t change that,”

Kuroko swallows, “I don’t want to believe that,”

“He stuck his fucking penis-“

“ _Shut up,”_ he screams and Kise stops talking, eyes widened.

“All right, I’m sorry,” the blond says quietly.

“You still coming tonight?” Kise asks uncertainly. Kuroko takes a deep breath. He feels empty, void of any emotion but anger. He nods.

“Hell yeah,” he says. Kise looks at him worriedly, then gently takes the glass of wine from him.

“I’ll be by your side, okay? Don’t drink too much and don’t hang around the wrong people,” he warns him.

“Alright,”

 

_“Akashi-kunn, where are you taking me?” Kuroko whined._

_“Just a little bit further, Tetsuya,” he had said, two hands over Kuroko’s eyes. They had been walking for a short time, since Akashi had insisted Kuroko keep a blindfold on on the car drive there. He had no idea what ‘there’ was, anyways._

_“This better be important,” Kuroko pouted. Akashi stopped leading him and turned him around 90 degrees._

_“Alright, we’re here,” he said, removing his hands and kissing the back of Kuroko’s neck. He gasped._

_It was a beautiful house. It was on a hill and they were standing in front of large, black gates. The name plate read ‘Akashi-Kuroko’ on it. The house was moderately sized but the land around it took up most of the property. The lawn was perfectly cut and there were many trees, cherry blossoms and rehderodendron bushes._

_“Oh my god, Akashi-kun,” he said, turning around to grab at Akashi’s cheeks. He pulled him in for a kiss._

_“It’s so beautiful,” he whispered, taking in Akashi’s smile, his twinkling eyes, the adorable blush on his cheeks. He took Kuroko’s hands in his. “It’s ours,” he said._

_//_

The plan was to get Kuroko in the club, have him trail Akashi, find out what he was doing, where he was going to go next and then get out of there as quick as he can. The entire club was going to be filled with yakuza bosses and Kuroko was going to be a gazelle in the midst of a pack of lions.

“You ready?” Kise says. Kuroko nods. He had dressed simple, a black button down and skinny jeans, the bruise on his nose hadn’t healed obviously but Kise wouldn’t let him put the bandage over it- he said it gave him a “bad-ass” sort of look.

They’re in front of the club and already Kuroko notices the large men getting out of the fancy sports cars, clad in expensive suits and draped in women of all ethnicities.

“Maybe I should’ve brought a plus one?” Kuroko mumbles, eyeing the tall ladies.

“Kurokocchi, _I’m_ your plus one,” Kise smirks at him, pulling an arm around his waist.

“This wasn’t a part of the plan,” Kuroko hisses at him while trying to keep up a friendly appearance and he tries to squirm out of Kise’s grip, which only ends up with Kise tightening it.

“They’re gonna eat you alive, Kurokocchi,” Kise mumbles, lowly, leading them in front of the bar.

“Do you see him?” Kuroko says quietly, eyes scanning the packed club. The dance floor is too crowded and he highly doubts Akashi would be in there so he looks over at the VIP lounges. No sign of the redhead.

“There he is,” Kise says, nodding towards one of the private lounges in the back. Kuroko gulps and follows his gaze. There, in fact, is Akashi, clad in a dapper Canali textured suit, red hair swept back and since when has he ever worn glasses? But there they sit on the bridge of his nose, making him look even more handsome than ever.

Kise whistles lowly. He watches Akashi sip on a glass of wine, eyes scanning the club for someone. “Who’s he waiting on?” Kuroko asks, eyes on him.

“A man by the name of Haizaki Shougo,” Kise says bitterly, “I knew him, he used to come in a lot, never really liked the guy, but he’s _loaded._ His dad’s the biggest lawyer in Japan; Haizaki Touji,”

 _Haizaki Shougo._ The name rings a bell in Kuroko’s mind but it quickly fades when he notices Akashi looking over at the bar-where he and Kise are seated.

“Shit! He’s looking over here!,” Kuroko panics, turning around. All of a sudden, he feels lips on him. He’s too shocked to register the feeling of lips on lips but he gradually dissipates into the kiss, Kise’s tongue licking over Kuroko’s bottom lip and he grants him access. His tongue wraps around Kuroko’s and it’s _obscene_ but it’s lighting a fire in Kuroko and soon he’s into it, fingers going up to Kise’s jaw.

All too soon, Kise pulls away, lips curling in one side into a smirk.

“He’s looking away,” Kise murmurs next to Kuroko’s ear lowly and Kuroko looks at him dazed before realizing what just happened. “Why did you do that?” He hisses, visibly flushes.

“You needed a distraction,” Kise shrugs, Kuroko wipes the saliva off his glistening lips and looks away from the blond.

Akashi is now talking to a tall man with spiky grey hair. The man looks intimidating but Akashi stands his ground, levelling him with his gaze.

“I assume that’s Haizaki-san,” Kuroko says. Kise nods. Akashi and Haizaki look around before leaving through the back exit, followed by 4 burly men in suits.

“That’s our cue, let’s go,” Kuroko says, getting off the seat. Kise grabs onto his arm.

“Woah, woah, woah, who said anything about the both of us going?” he says. Kuroko frowns.

“I thought-“

“Kurokocchi, those two are probably the most feared men in the country. Only a fool would go into the same room as the two of them and expect to come out alive,” he says, giving Kuroko a look.

“I’m going, you can’t stop me,” he says, shrugging Kise’s hand off him. _So much for allies._

“Hey,” Kise says, “That doesn’t mean I’m on your side,” he smiles at Kuroko.

“There’s nothing I hate more than a cheater,”

Kuroko smiles back at him.

//

The back exit leads into a long room. He slides behind some shelves and watches the scene unfold before him. There’s two couches, one where Akashi sits, one leg crossed over the other, one hand holding a cigarette and the other holds Haizaki, legs spread out and leaning forward. Kuroko leans in to hear what they’re talking about.

“Listen, Akashi, I don’t give two shits about what my father thinks. Do. You. Have. The. Money?” Haizaki clips out, eyes narrowed at Akashi.

Akashi takes a drag from the butt before speaking. “I advise you to think about your actions before you speak, Shougo,” he says, amused.

Haizaki clicks his tongue. “I gave you the deal with Tsubasa! I’m asking for my part of it!”

“The deal is off,” Akashi replies, lips curling into a snarl, “One of your guys told him off. He’s in a lawsuit now,”

“Are you _fucking kidding me,”_ Haizaki barks, grabbing his cell phone and looking through it. Kuroko breathes, his fingers sweaty against the steel of the shelf.

“So now what?” Haizaki heaves. Akashi smiles and grabs the suit case off the table.

“I take _this_ and I also take the money you owe me for Tsubasa ,” he says. Haizaki immediately gets up but one of Akashi’s henchmen push him down, standing on both sides of the gray haired man.

“You’ll pay for this, Akashi,” Haizaki hisses and Kuroko fully gets a glimpse of how dangerous this Haizaki is. His eyes are wide, nostrils flaring, and he looks like he’s ready to _kill_ Akashi.

“Will I?” is all Akashi says before taking the brief case and walking off to the exit.

“You’re meeting in Tokyo tomorrow I’ll- I’ll find you! I’ll kill you!” Haizaki shouts after him but to no avail. As soon as he leaves, Haizaki curses and goes on his phone. Kuroko lets out the breath he was holding and loosens his grip on the shelf. He sneaks out through the back door and out of the tense room.

The club is still packed and he catches Kise’s eyes from across the room and nods at him. Kise nods back and Kuroko makes his way through sweaty bodies and clammy hands.

“So, how was it? Any new information?” Kise asks him, leaning over the bar.

“He’s going to be in Tokyo tomorrow, but I have no idea where,” Kuroko says. Kise nods.

“That’s where Kagamicchi comes in, he’ll find you where Akashicchi is in no time,” Kise replies. Kuroko sighs, relieved and they watch the random people dance in the club.

“So, what now?” Kise asks hesitantly.

“I don’t know, I’m really in the mood to get fucked,” Kuroko sighs. Kise chokes on his beer.

“So blunt, Kurokocchi...” Kise mutters, “This is a club, you’re in the perfect place,”

 _I meant get fucked by you, stupid, but whatever, this works too,_ Kuroko thinks, amused.

//

He’s not nice. He pushes Kuroko onto the bed of the clubs lodging before he can speak. Kuroko winces but the man is on top of him again, forcing his mouth onto Kuroko’s. He smells good, and he looked handsome and it wasn’t very hard to lure him out of the dance floor.

But he’s not nice. His fingers are forceful, at the least, painful at the worst. They bruise Kuroko, but Kuroko can’t find the words to tell him to go softer. He wants this, no, he _needs_ this. The things Akashi would never give him. He lets the nameless person press kisses over his neck, litter bites and hickeys over his collarbones, unbutton his shirt and lick his chest, mouth attaching itself onto one of Kuroko’s nipples.

“Nngh!,” he gasps as the man moves his hand to toy with the other ignored bud. His hands grip Kuroko’s throat and Kuroko’s briefly afraid, what has he gotten himself into, he’s going to regret this. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want this. But he does.

He wishes it was Akashi, he thinks bitterly. He wishes it was Akashi who got punched and beaten. He wishes it was Akashi who died everyday instead of him. He wishes it was Akashi who drinks his pain away while Kuroko is the one outside and living his youth.

“What’s your name, honey?” he says hoarsely tracing his jaw and pulling at his hair. He feels hands over him, crossing the boundary of consent and he hesitates. He doesn’t want this. But he does. But he doesn’t. He wishes it was Akashi who was dying. He wishes it was Akashi who felt the pain he did. He wishes it was Akashi who rotted from the alcohol inside him and the loneliness that surrounded him.

“My name is Seijuro,”

//

“Thanks for the fuck,” he whispers and leaves the room. Kuroko gasps, chest heaving. He was right, he wasn’t nice.

When he sits up, he feels the sting deep inside his ass and the bedsheets are splotched with blood. He swallows. The room stinks of sex and it _hurts._ It’s a new type of pain and he doesn’t like it.

 _Oh god,_ he thinks, touching his bleeding, bruising body, _I think I may have just gotten raped._

He’s quiet. He’s being stupid, this is nothing to cry over. He can pick himself up and carry on but he finds he can’t stop the pain.

He wipes at his eyes-nothing. Maybe because this pain is permanent does he really feel it. He can’t lock this deep inside him and forget about it. It will stay with him. Any time someone lays a hand on him. He’ll know the pain that comes with it. He won’t be able to forget.

There’s a knock on the door and for a brief second he’s terrified the man came back but it’s revealed to be Kise. He comes in with a smile, and a bottle of wine but as soon as he takes in Kuroko’s appearance, the wine comes to a crash on the floor and he’s running over to Kuroko.

“Oh god, he did this, didn’t he? I’m going to kill him, oh my god,” He’s speaking too fast and his hands are everywhere.

“Don’t touch me, please,” Kuroko blurts out, surprising himself, trying to get away from him. He’ll be okay. He’ll be fine. But right now, he’s not.

“Take me home, Kise-kun,” he says and Kise gives him this broken look. He’s quiet when the blond helps him put on his clothes, despite the pain that’s blooming all over his body. He’s quiet while Kise drives him back and he’s quiet in the elevator as well. It’s not until he’s wading in the bathtub while Kise is washing his hair does he speak up.

“You must thing I’m a fool,” he says, not looking at Kise.

“Kurokocchi, I think you’re a lot of things but never a fool,” Kise answers softly, “It’s not your fault,”

“Kise-kun, I-I _wanted_ it to hurt. I told him to go hard. I did this to myself,” he says in disgust. Kise looks at him.

“Kurokocchi…,” is all he says. “I’ll clean up on my own,” Kuroko says tiredly and dismisses Kise.

He scrubs until his skin is red and close to peeling and then he puts on the hot water. It’s scalding but Kuroko can’t feel anything. He can still feel **his** hands all over him. He turns off the shower and stays in the tub longer.

_There’s no hope for you anymore._

He closes his eyes.

//

“Are you sure you’re gonna be okay, Kurokocchi?” Kise asks him the next morning, lips working over his bottom lip.

“I’ll be fine. Thank you for your help Kise-kun, I appreciate it,” he tells the blond, offering him a smile to which Kise immediately perks up. “You have my number, right? You ever need me, I’ll be right there,”

Kuroko wonders how easy it is to gain the trust of people, why he hadn’t left the house until now.

“Of course,” he smiles and waves off to the blond, who is already sniveling in crocodile tears.

He has somewhere to go.

 

Dressed in his finest yukata (why he had thought to pack one, he does not know) he makes his way to the shrine of Amida Nyorai. Once there, he kneels on his knees and asks for forgiveness.

For things he’s done, thought and seen. For things he is going to do, think and see. There are people that side-eye him but he can’t risk this. He needs someone’s guidance over him, because now he has none.

No, he can’t say that. He may have very little friends but they are what mean the most to Kuroko. Aomine and Momoi, Kise and Kagami, they’ve all helped him when no one did. He wipes his tired eyes on his sleeve and leaves the temple.

He feels clear, light-headed, and there’s still pain all over his body but he ignores it. The car still smells like Akashi and Kuroko pulls off his yukata to reveal jeans he had worn underneath and a plain black t-shirt. He pulls a hoodie out of his duffel bag and wears it over.

Tokyo is cold this time of year.

 

_He had come home, devastated. Even more when he realized Akashi was still out on his business trip. Struggling to show any emotion he ringed Akashi’s cell, curled up at the bottom of their bed. He picked up on the first ring._

_“Tetsuya?,” his silky voice lulling Kuroko._

_“Akashi-kun?” Kuroko had answered quietly, afraid of what Akashi’s reaction would be. Akashi was quiet._

_“Tetsuya? What’s wrong?”_

_“Akashi-kun…it seems I’ve gotten laid off,” he had chuckled breathlessly, swallowing down the bile that rose in his throat._

_“Oh no, baby, what happened?” Akashi had said softly._

_“After graduation, all the kids are moving into the middle school on the other side of prefecture. They’re going to tear down the elementary school,” he said silently._

_“I’m so sorry, Tetsuya. We’ll get through this together, I know we will,” Akashi had comforted him._

He never did find another job after that, Kuroko thinks as he passes the _‘You are now leaving Chiba Prefecture’_ sign. It was of no matter. He’d leave Akashi, move back to Tokyo, reconcile with his parents and go back to college. He would start his life over again – this time with no Akashi involved.

Or so he thought.


	4. Chapter 3.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -half of chapter 3//side akashi  
> -from now on updates are every thursday :)

_It was around 2:30 am when Akashi had first reached the gated residential. The exhaustion hit him as he parked the car in their garage. He had been away for a month, the longest he’d ever had to leave Kuroko but it had all worked out great. He had closed off five deals with five CEO’s in Japan, South Korea and Hong Kong. He grabbed his suitcase and dragged it to the front steps._

_The house was quiet and dark but Akashi had noticed the light to their bedroom on when he parked the car. He went into the kitchen first to pour himself a drink before going upstairs. Their bedroom door was wide open and from inside he could see Kuroko on his laptop, glasses perched atop his slender nose, undisturbed. He smiled softly at the sight and set his luggage down next to the door and walked to where Kuroko was. Kuroko was startled, eyes wide._

_“You’re back,” he said, almost forced. “You should’ve stayed longer,” and he returned back to the laptop. Akashi frowned at his snappy language and shrugged off his coat._

_“I went to China and Hong Kong,” he said, regretting his choice of words. The pain he knew Kuroko felt dug its way inside his heart, spindly thorns repeatedly stabbing his insides. How could he do it? How could he leave the one person he loved the most in the world to_ rot _inside this house? Why couldn’t he just bring himself to tell Kuroko?_

_Kuroko was silent but Akashi could hear the stabbing noises of fingertips on keyboards._

_“What did you do while I was gone?” Akashi asked, struggling to take off his tie. Kuroko eyed him first, then sighed and walked over to where he was, gently putting aside the laptop. Akashi recognized the shirt he was wearing-it was one of Akashi’s old college shirts. It was much too big on Kuroko, landing mid-thigh._

_“You’re terrible at this,” Kuroko had muttered, taking the tie in his own hands. Akashi saw the look of longing and deep sadness in his blue eyes for the first time that night and he wondered- why did they do this? What happened to them? Why couldn’t he bring himself to say the words he wanted to say?_

_“I’ll leave out a bath for you,” Kuroko said tiredly, heading out to the bathroom. Akashi grabbed onto his hand._

_“Take it with me,” Akashi said, almost pleaded. Kuroko looked so tired- he didn’t even look his age anymore and Akashi wondered if it was because of him._

_Kuroko was quiet in the tub, sitting in between Akashi’s legs as Akashi pressed soft open mouthed kisses to his back and shoulders._

_“I wish we could stay like this forever,” Kuroko said softly, leaning back against Akashi’s chest. Akashi wanted to oh he would. He’d buy out the most expensive ring and plead, beg Kuroko to marry him. They’d move out and just waste out their years in each other’s arms._

_Akashi swallowed. “Yeah, I wish we could too,”_

Akashi threw the phone against the hotel room. Deciding it wasn’t enough he picked up the bottle of wine and threw it too. His nostrils flared and his fingers shook. _Why was Kuroko being so irrational?_

“Argh!,” he shouts, kicking the small bedside table and rubs the space between his eyebrows. Kuroko was drunk, yes, he was definitely drunk. But he acted like he _knew_ about Akashi.

Akashi groans again, falling to the floor and bringing a knee to his chest. He lights up a cigarette even though the hotel has a specific room for smoking.

_“I hate you, Akashi-kun, In fact, sometimes I wish you would never come back home. I wish you would die, I really do. You destroyed me. I never want to see your horrible, lying, cheating self, ever again”_

The words keep ringing back and forth In Akashi’s house. He squeezes his eyes shut and groans loudly. He was drunk. He messed around with someone. He took full blame for it.

But then he kept seeing him after that.

 _I really am a useless man,_ Akashi thinks bitterly. However Kuroko found out about his illicit affair, he knew how much it would’ve hurt him. Kuroko tried to be strong a lot but Akashi knew he was extremely sensitive. He thinks about how much Kuroko might be crying right now.

Hard and uncontrollable. He’d try to hold them in for as long as he could-only to exhaust himself. Akashi’s throat constricts.

_“If that’s what you want then, then get the fuck out of my house, take your clothes, take your fucking wine and leave Kyoto. I want you out by next morning,”_

He winces. What he said was inexcusable. He really is a monster. Not only to his subordinated but even to the person he claims to love.

“Sei-chan? Haizaki-san has arrived in Chiba,” his assistant, Mibuchi Reo calls out to him from the adjacent room. Akashi opens an eye back to reality.

He clears his throat. “Reo? Did you happen to come in before or after the phone call?”

“Oh, I heard enough, Sei-chan,” he hears Reo’s sharp retort and then the black haired man comes into the room, arms crossed over his chest.

“You really are an idiot,” he sighs, picking up pieces of the wine bottle. “I hope Tetsuya-chan really does leave you,”

Akashi nods solemnly. “He’d be happier without me, huh?”

“Happiest he could ever be,” Reo spits out, glaring at Akashi, eyes softening when he notices Akashi’s distressed look.

“That’s what you want, right? For him to be happy?” Reo asks softly.

“I’m not sure what I want anymore,” Akashi says. He just wants to go home one day, just for one day and be greeted with loving arms not harsh criticizations and glaring eyes. He wants to quit, he’s had enough. He makes his mind right then and there. After the deal tonight and the one in Tokyo, he’ll be through. He’ll step down as kumicho. He’ll start a business, move out to Tokyo with Kuroko because he knows Kuroko would like that. Send Kuroko back to university. Make time at home. Love him.

His thoughts are interrupted by a door bell. “I’ll get it,” Reo says, standing up. Akashi nods and picks up the shattered phone he had thrown.

“It’s crushed,” he mutters, examining the sharp edges and cracked glass.

“Sei-chan,” Reo says, eyes widened as he looks through the contents of a yellow envelope.

“What? Who gave you that?” Akashi says, looking up at him.

“Ryouta-chan from the club. Oh, you’re not going to like this,” Reo says, eyes worried as he hands him the envelope. Akashi grabs it and takes out the contents. They’re pictures.

His eyebrows furrow as he examines the contents. There’s… _Kuroko_.. In an apartment with a familiar redhead. His fingers grip the paper tightly.

“Why is Tetsuya with Taiga?” He says, teeth gritted. The next picture is at the night club-Kuroko in a hoodie and jeans, chugging on whiskey.

“He should cut low on the alcohol,” he murmurs, tracing Kuroko’s face on the paper.

“Wh-what? Aren’t you worried he’ll find out? Everything will be ruined!” Reo stammers. Akashi chuckles.

“There’s no doubt he knows. Kuroko is not that stupid. I predict he’ll follow me out to Tokyo as well,” Akashi says, examining the next few pictures which are Kuroko drinking with Kise, eyes downcast. His throat tightens again at the sight.

“Well, what are you going to do?” Reo says worriedly, constantly rubbing his fingers.

“Let him see. I don’t think Mayuzumi will cooperate so it’s best to show him why he shouldn’t follow me in the first place,” He says tiredly.

“You are a cruel one, Sei-chan,” Reo sighs before bowing and taking his leave.

Akashi keeps looking at the pictures afterwards. Kuroko looks terrible, eyes blue and black, and skin blotchy as if he’d been crying a lot.

 _Do you remember when you promised to never make him cry? Now, the only reason he cries, is because of you,_ Akashi thinks and he _hates_ himself.

He opens his phone and dials a number.

“Akashicchi?”

“Ryota. Where is Tetsuya?” he asks. Kise is quiet.

“He’s your boyfriend isn’t he?” Kise says slowly.

“Yes,” Akashi sighs.

“He’s in the Chiba Hotel,” Kise answers, “You shouldn’t have cheated on him, Akashicchi,”

“It was a mistake,” Akashi says, unable to find an excuse when he realizes, with a start, there are no excuses for liars like him.

“Maybe it’s better for Kurokocchi…and for you, if you two end this,” Kise snaps. This time, it’s Akashi who’s quiet. He supposes he’s right.

“Set up a booth for me and Shougo tonight,” is all he says before hanging up.

 

_“We should get married,” Kuroko says suddenly one night. Akashi chokes on his spaghetti. The long pasta wraps around his uvula and he starts hacking, eyes quickly tearing up. Kuroko runs over hastily, hitting Akashi’s back until the offending piece of pasta flies out his mouth._

_“Sorry, that was just…very sudden,” Akashi says, voice hoarse. Kuroko nods._

_“I meant it though. I love you and you love me. We live together, it makes sense, right?” Kuroko says and Akashi heart soars at this simple statement._

_“That’s right,” Akashi smiles and Kuroko smiles back._

_“Oh!,” he says suddenly, “I want a diamond ring, nothing more, nothing less,”_

_“Of course, your majesty,” Akashi jokes, kissing Kuroko’s outstretched hand._

Akashi fingers the small, velvety black box hidden deep inside the pocket of his suit for so long. It was a beautiful diamond ring, just like what Kuroko had wanted. He had gone to the jewelry store the day after Kuroko had put the idea in his head and planned to propose that exact day but work came up and ever since then their relationship grew unsuitable, at the least, and toxic, at the worst.

He bites his bottom lip and buttons up his shirt. He’s waiting until he realizes that he has to put on his tie now, not Kuroko.

“Maybe because I’ve kept the cage open for too long, you’re flying away,” Akashi mutters.

“Huh? Sei-chan, did you say something?” Reo says, peeking out from the hallway.

Akashi glances at the pictures of Kuroko. “Nothing,”


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry this has been delayed!! i did heavily edit the story line tremendously and there probably will not be an exact date where i will update im so disorganized ;_; but theres good news & bad news  
> good news: im done writing this fic!!!!!!!!!  
> bad news: there is no bad news!!!!!!!!!  
> (haha if only! this fic has a very open ended ending and loads of angst coming up ur way gomen T^T)

_Akashi’s fingers ran through Kuroko’s hair, his breathing heaving and hot, soft sighs escaping him as Kuroko knelt between his legs. Kuroko ran his tongue along Akashi’s twitching erection, and took the head into his mouth, tongue rubbing teasingly along the slit in the tip._

_He sucked gently, and pulled back, teasing the shaft and grazing his teeth gently along the sensitive skin._

_Akashi let out a low groan. He felt Kuroko’s smirk against his aching member._

_Kuroko brought his mouth back to the head and pulled it into his mouth once more, and this time taking more of Akashi’s length inside. Kuroko heard Akashi’s breathing hitch as the tip pressed against the back of his throat._

_Kuroko adjusts his angle, relaxing, and pushes forwards, until Akashi’s completely buried in his throat, Kuroko’s face brushing delicately against the redheads body. Kuroko trembled, feeling a bit of discomfort as he tried to keep his gag reflex suppressed, and his mouth was a bit sore from how wide Akashi is. He’s stretching Kuroko’s mouth and throat as far as they can safely go, and Kuroko swallowed around the mass in his mouth and throat._

_Akashi moaned at the sensation and Kuroko had to pull back to take a breath. When he pushed forward again, he remembered to run his tongue against Akashi’s shaft gently, and brought one hand up to massage Akashi’s balls, his own erection an aching throb between his legs. The other hand Kuroko ran along his own neck, feeling Akashi twitch inside him at the sensation as he rubbed the redhead’s dick through his own throat. Kuroko repeated this until the redhead moaned his name loudly, and Kuroko shuddered as he felt the splash of hot liquid spurt straight down his throat._

_He felt himself being hoisted onto the bed, Akashi’s warm body pressing against his and his lips attacking his neck and chest._

_“How do you want it?” Akashi murmured against his throat. Kuroko fisted at the sheets, legs wrapped around Akashi’s hips._

_“Hard and fast,” he said quietly, because with Akashi it was either straight to the point or endless teasing. Akashi smirked._

_“I’ve got you,”_

“Drive. Drive. Drive. Drive. Drive.”

It’s the endless mantra Kuroko says to himself in the car. He repeats the word until his lips are dry and his throat is cracked but it’s the only thing to keep himself from going insane.

He stops to breathe and focuses on the road.

 

_“Uh, Kuroko-kun, was it?” He heard someone say. Kuroko turned around from the temple to face the stranger. Only, it wasn’t really a stranger at all. The slim hips, the thick brown hair, lean torso. Kuroko gritted his teeth, then stopped. It was the same guy in the picture, but there was something different about him. His face had multiple bruises on them and he was walking with crutches. Kuroko eyed him curiously._

_“I understand, but please, can we talk?” he said, popping a small smile. Kuroko sighed then nodded, it wasn’t his fault. He followed the man- Furihata, he believes- to a small bench and sat beside him awkwardly. While Kuroko was clad in a fresh kimono, the brunette showed up in ripped jeans and a slim fitting black t-shirt._

_“I apologize,” Furihata said solemnly, “I don’t normally do it with married men, but I really did need the money,” he explained and Kuroko’s eyes widened in realization and he feels sympathy for the poor kid._

_“It’s not your fault,” he found himself saying, “And we’re not married,”_

_Furihata was quiet, “He had a ring on,” he said, “Caused a lot of bruises that did,”_

_Kuroko feels a pang of hurt at the comment. “Did..he do this to you?” he asked, preparing himself for the worst._

_“He might’ve, just some big guys came around last night. Told me to stay away from him and you,” Furihata said, “So I figured you two were something,”_

_“I really am sorry, Kuroko-kun,” Furihata said, “And you know this might sound fake coming from, what, a filthy prostitute? But I do mean it,”_

_Kuroko’s throat constricted. “It’s alright, It’s not your fault,” he managed to say before reaching into his bag, counting out several bills and reaching for Furihata’s hands._

_“Take this and please stop this, you seem like an intelligent young man, please do not harm yourself any longer,” he said quietly, pressing the wad of money into Furihata’s hands. Furihata was quiet, eyes softening._

_“You know, all my life people had paid me to do what they wanted,” he said quietly, “And this time, when I do this, I might actually mean it,”_

_He curled his hands over the money and gives a nod towards Kuroko. “Thank you, Kuroko-san,” he said softly, before taking his leave._

Kuroko drives 65 an hour, going slightly above the speed limit. He’s so tired, he’s seeing doubles of every car that goes by. _This surely can’t be healthy,_ he thinks. He loosens his foot on the acceleration and goes a bit slower, feeling the weight of the world on him again.

He’s so tired it’s unbelievable. The last few days have emotionally and physically drained him to the very bit. He doesn’t think he can move a muscle without straining. The drive from Chiba to Tokyo is not far. Maybe 3-4 hours at the least. If he doesn’t stop for breaks he could make it even less.

The car in front of him is a maroon colored sedan with bright stickers covering the back glass and Kuroko smiles to himself. He can see two heads in the back seats and a man and woman in the front seats. A happy family. He figures they’re on vacation.

The car next to him holds an elderly lady driving with a dog sticking it’s head out the window in front. Kuroko waves at the dog and smiles as it barks at him happily.

He sighs, remembering his own dog. Nigou was merely a puppy when Akashi rescued him from an animal shelter and brought the husky to him. When Nigou was still alive, he would offer comfort to Kuroko whenever he was lonely but two years ago the dog had fallen ill and Kuroko had no choice but to put him to sleep. Akashi was not home for the occasion.

 

_“Where’s Nigou?” Akashi asked that day, eating dinner. Kuroko’s eyebrows furrowed together and felt the sting in his heart._

_“He passed,” he said so quietly he didn’t think Akashi heard him. The redhead was quiet._

_“I’m sorry, I know you really loved him,” he said earnestly and Kuroko hates it, but he was shocked which, in return shocked him. Why was he so shocked his significant other cared about him?_

_“Yeah, it was hard,” he said, feeling drained. Suddenly, the ramen didn’t look too appetizing and he pushed the plate away, moving to excuse himself from the kitchen._

_He stayed in bed, reading until he heard the soft padded footsteps upstairs and the opening of the door. Instinctively, he turned next to him to shoo Nigou off the bed but his breath got caught in his throat when he realized that Nigou was not there._

_He bit the inside of his cheek hard and buried himself under the covers, not willing himself to breathe until Akashi got in the bed. As soon as he felt the bed dip and the scrambling under the covers did he release the shaky breath he had held in. He missed his dog, his best friend._

_Strong arms wrapped themselves around Kuroko’s waist and he let out a surprised noise as Akashi spun him around and pressed him into his chest. He protested for a bit but fell weak to the warmth seeping into him._

_“Stop pretending you’re okay,” Akashi whispered, running nimble fingers through his hair. If Kuroko got to keep one memory of Akashi and forget everything else he would have chosen that particular moment. He had never felt so safe and secure before in his life. Inside those arms, the soft lulling voice, the fingers in his hair._

His grip tightens on the wheel of the car and his eyes dash towards the beeping gas symbol. He sighs and decides to pull over in the next gas station.

He briefly wonders what would happen if he stopped the car abruptly in the speedy highway. Would his body crumble in between expensive metal and steel? Would his skin peel off in the burning of a car accident? Would his body land in the middle of the forest for wild cats and raccoons to feed on?

He discards the morbid thoughts with a wince.

The blaring metal music from the car next to him catches his attention. It’s a convertible with the hood off, five teenagers with wild colored hair, piercings, and the definition of “punk”. He looks at them, amused. Their style might be questionable but judging from their smiling faces, they looked genuinely happy and Kuroko supposes that’s the only thing that really matters. One of the teenagers point at his car and motion to him to open the window and Kuroko does.

“Sick car man! And _siiiick_ hair!,” a boy calls out, and the rest of the teenagers voice their approval. Kuroko smiles in response and nods before rolling up the window.

 _How nice,_ he thinks. He wonders what would happen if he dyed his hair, got a tattoo and went to join the local circus and he stills.

Because it could happen. There is literally _nothing_ stopping him from doing anything in this moment. And it hits him because he feels so _free._ Why is he doing all this for a man who would not even give a second glance towards him? He’s stupid, oh he’s so _stupid._

He laughs heartily, a new sense of freedom and happiness filling the void in his heart. _I could do it! I’ll leave him, take some money, go back to mom and dad! I’ll go back to uni! Get a job! Get a dog!_ He thinks, heart racing, _I’ll change my appearance, make sure he’ll never find me again, live in an apartment and adopt a child._

He’s hysterical and delirious but he’s not crazy.

The road stops and the next exit leads to the service area so he takes it, giddily. It’s almost 5 pm and although the sun is still out, the area is eerie, at the least. There are a few cars in the parking lot so he parks near the edge of the road and gets out,

The air is chilly and humid at the same time and makes him feel disgusting in the hoodie he’s sporting. He keeps his head down in the drugstore and heads into the makeup aisle.

 _Where are you where are you,_ he thinks, roaming past lipsticks and eyeshadows and eyeliners until he finds it.

_Yumiko Jet Black Hair Dye._

He picks up the box and throws it into the cart. He can’t be a shadow with blue hair. He throws in chips and sodas and advils and also a pack of dog food of which he starts bawling randomly in the middle of the aisle.

“Sir, you’re creating a distraction, I’m going to have to ask you to buy your things and leave the premises, please,” the worker says nervously.

“Sorry, my dog died,” Kuroko sobs, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. The man looks worried and also very creeped out. It’s really not like Kuroko to get so emotional but honestly, he’s anyone but himself right now.

Because Kuroko Tetsuya is cute and quiet. He’s submissive but stubborn and is the human definition of intelligent. He’s supportive and strong minded.

Kuroko Tetsuya doesn’t curse and drink wine. He doesn’t scream at his spouse. He doesn’t fuck other people behind his boyfriend’s back. But that’s what he’s become. So if he isn’t Kuroko, then who is he? It’s the burning question at the back of his mind as he takes out the box of black dye from his bag.

The gas station bathroom is dingy and damp and smells like a mixture of urine and cheap air freshener. He pulls his now black strands of hair apart and colors in the pigmented patches. It’s liberating and makes his heart pace in anticipation.

He’s a little pissed and a little tipsy but he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time.

//

6:00 pm

Walking back to the car makes him feel invisible, more imperceptible than he’s ever felt his entire life, yet this time it’s not bad. His fingers shake and he feels itchy but he’s fine. His breathing is labored but he’s fine. _He’s fine._

He’s lying to himself.

//

7:30 pm

It’s the first time in a long time it doesn’t hurt. He was so used to being blank and emotionless that when it finally came crashing down on him, he was a tightly coiled spring on the edge of bursting. But, the storm had passed, he was fine again.

//

7:45 pm

He’s pulled his car over to the emergency lane.

//

7:50 pm

He’s crying.

//

Kuroko’s exhausted. His eyelids are drooping and he can’t focus on the road In front of him. There’s only twenty more minutes left of driving- more or less- according to his GPS, but he doesn’t think he can drive another foot without crashing. But still, he tries. He hates _trying._ He wants to do something and not wait for a pat on the back, he just wants to be satisfied.

So he pulls through and there’s a sign that says Tokyo Next Exit and that’s when he lets out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

By the time he recognizes the bright lights and tall buildings, it’s almost 11 at night and all he wants to do is go home. The problem is, he doesn’t know what home is now.


End file.
